General Thoughts

I'd just like to throw out some ideas that would make this next story a lot better. They wouldn't be rules, just general guidelines that usually help.

1. Try to focus on one character at a time. I noticed a lot of people tried to overreach in Red Bat. There would be a single paragraph on Gabriel, then that segment would stop, and we'd be on the Rival in another location. Try to give each character group a couple of paragraphs. Write from the perspective of those in the same place for more than one paragraph at a time. You might not get to write about the person you want to all the time, but Red Bat jumped around to the point where people were just throwing in random twists.

2. Give other writers a lead-in. Try not to end your paragraph at a cold spot. In Red Bat there would be pauses, like right before Rose somehow got captured. Don't just say the main character needs to investigate, tell us where he/she plans to start looking. If the next writer knows where you're headed with the story, even if he/she jumps around, they'll be jumping in the right direction.

My Suggested Character

I'd like to throw in a villain later in the story. This character would be a monk, trained to stop violence and diffuse situations around the world. He is known by others as a very intelligent man, someone always in thought. He's always considering ways to prevent conflict - always picturing in his head what actions the people around him will take next. Sometimes, through meditation, those images become almost lifelike.

After a triggered event (an accident related to the main characters or Khopesh), many lives are lost. He goes into deep meditation, trying to figure out what he could have done to prevent it. He reaches a state of enlightenment, and afterwards he can see hallucinations of people, doing things they haven't done yet, saying things they haven't yet said. It drives him mad, ten people would turn into a hundred, walking down the street, or sitting at a corner. He is seen as a mad man, and he can't turn his ability off. The monk realizes the only way to stop the images, is to get rid of the "variables" around him. He becomes dangerous, especially to the main character, who's actions are never predetermined.

I don't know if or when I'd introduce him, but it would be later in the story, after the main characters are fleshed out. The pseudo-future sight would come in handy for lead-ins, and frankly I just think it's awesome.

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